I'm not even sure where to start after last night's class. To put you at ease - I LOVED it. It was certainly extremely beneficial and I learned a TON. The class did however bring a number of questions to my mind and after doing some reading I feel like there's SO much information I want to share with you all! I know I'm being a little cryptic - it's called a hook - keeps you reading.
We were introduced to a panel of 4 parents - a couple who are foster parents and a couple who were adoptive parents. Each couple shared their experience, why they chose fostering or adoption and the children they have fostered or adopted and we asked questions.
The foster family - L & K - are just the type of family I want our children to come from. Remember, children will have been in a foster home before they come to us. In our class we talk about keeping connections/building bridges with those we can in the child's life to help with attachment issues. I tell you, if L & K were their foster parents I would have no problem reconnecting with them. I appreciate the training and love they give the babies who are in their home. I now know another way to pray.
The adoptive family - T & D - were very open, honest, and real about their experience. They went through a number of Red Files (5) (I believe I called that a Paper Staffing in a previous post) before finally being picked as the adoptive parents. T, especially, talked about the emotions that went with this and D talked about how he worked to balance those emotions. When they finally did get a placement, a boy & girl of ages 2.5 years & 15 months , they shared different aspects that I would like to address to my audience. T has a blog (my reading last night) and so I may copy & paste from her blog (giving full credit to her of course) to share information that simply does a very good job at explaining the process we are going through.
Confidentiality:
By law, we are not to divulge the reasons of why a child has been in foster care or why they were severed from their parents. At dinner, before class, discussion led to wondering "who DO we talk to?" I've known plenty of people who have adopted/fostered children and somehow I have known plenty about the child's background. I really appreciated the perspective T & D gave concerning how they handled their children's past. T is very close to her mom and sister (sound familiar) but even they do not know what situation the children came from. They didn't want their children to grow up being known as the child who "was a drug baby or who was sexually abused, etc.." They also did not want other people to make excuses for behavior; "he does that because he was a drug baby, etc." Yes, as parents they would be understanding, but they would also work through the issues (and boy did they have some) rather than give excuses. I appreciated that viewpoint and so I ask: for those of you who I am close to, please understand that there will be some things you will not know. It may be awkward to say "that's really not something I want to divulge" and I'm okay with that but I don't want you to feel that you can't ask questions either. SO - ask away, but please don't be offended if I don't respond with a juicy story! Or maybe I should come up with a tale about them being found hanging upside down from banana trees in the depths of a jungle! Just kidding!
Visitation:
Josh & I have talked about what we will do when a child is placed with us. I do believe for us, reality will be much different. To start off with: Our Dream. Baby O comes to us in the morning then we hop in the car, drive to CA and introduce him/her to Grandma, Grandpa and Auntie! Then add the cousins, B & L, Uncle Robby, Aunt Willow, and then have a little afternoon/evening gathering where family & friends come over to visit our new addition. Uncle Joey would of course fly in from KS. Everything will be wonderful and the Baby will coo and smile at everyone. Perhaps s/he will nap peacefully while guests are over. Oh yes, the sex & name of the baby would be kept secret until we show up on my parents doorstep. Then after spending some quality time we would travel home & introduce Baby O to our friends here. Now, some might be a little miffed at this but let me explain. For as long as I can remember it has been so important to me for my mom to be the first one to know (besides Josh) that I am expecting. I have dreamed of what I'd do, what I'd say. I even bought an ornament way back in 2006 that says something about being a grandma that was part of my plan to tell my mom. When those plans didn't work out that doesn't mean the desire isn't there - they are simply transferred to another situation. Sometimes my heart still is achy with the desire of telling my family about having a child.
But, let us get back to reality. It is important to remember these children have come from a situation where there may or may not be a person they have bonded and attached to. Let's say they have been with a foster family for a year - are we suddenly going to rip them from that home? It would be more in our interest to have a transition period where the children are introduced to us at a dinner or two, then an outing together and then perhaps an overnight or weekend stay. The adoptive family that spoke to us had a month of transition before the children came into their home to stay. This of course gave them ample time to register at Target (my kind of lady), buy clothes, car seats, beds, etc. Would I be able to keep the age/sex/name of the baby secret for a month? I think not!
Another aspect that came into play was family members staying with T & D right after they got the children. I can understand the excitement, but what they experienced was the children were confused with the adults in the house. Who was really mom? Because they came from a foster home, their worlds were already being turned upside down. So, as much as I would love to have a number of people come stay the week right after Baby O joins us: I think we may need to establish some routines and normalcy before we would have long term guests. (I would point out here that there IS a difference between a 2.5 year old & a four month old.) This doesn't mean no one can come over - please! The couple agreed if the family members had stayed one night it would have been fine, it was the extended stay that caused some issues. I truly hope this doesn't hurt anyone's feelings. Plus, I think once a month is past - bring it on!!
I will end here as I feel people are less inclined to read a LONG blog post. At least that's my perspective.
Oh...2 more classes left!! EEK!
