Descriptions & Transitions

Ahhh, the suspense!

Our class on Wednesday night was on Transitions.  Transitions from a foster home to birth parents, foster home to adoptive home or foster home to adulthood.  We discussed these transitions and the impact they have on children and how we can prepare children for these transitions.  From the adoptive parent perspective we are MOST interested in the information a foster family can give to us: what kind of food did they like, do they like to be cuddled, any special stuffed animals, what calms them, etc.?  This is integrating the shared parenting model.  Not that I'm sharing my child with another family, but rather we are working together in this unique situation to provide the easiest transition for our child.

And on to the interviews.

Josh's interview was on Wednesday and he was pleased with how it went.  The nervousness he had dissipated and I believe he enjoyed the time talking about his background.  I think it was easier on me as he was able to give me a heads up on how relaxing it was.

My interview was on Thursday at 1:30.  Thank you to those who shared they were praying.

Please describe your mother's personality.
Describe your relationship with your mother growing up.
Describe your relationship now.

Describe your father's personality.
Describe your relationship with your father growing up.
Describe your relationship now.

Describe Robby's (my brother) personality.
Describe your relationship with Robby growing up.
Describe your relationship now.

Describe Joey's (my other brother) personality.
Describe your relationship with Joey growing up.
Describe your relationship now.

Describe Emily's (my sister) personality.
Describe your relationship with Emily growing up.
Describe your relationship now.

Describe your courtship.
Describe Josh.

I'm sure you get the picture.  We had to do a LOT of describing.

Towards the end I was asked to describe my marriage.  I'm not sure if this was because I had already talked for a long time and was out of things to say or if I was unprepared for the question, but my answer was "GREAT! It's good."

I was a little embarrassed, because you expect a good marriage to garner more of a response than "great."  On my way home I was thinking about my marriage and came up with the following analogy.  Do you have a favorite item of clothing?  Favorite shirt? Skirt or pair of pants?  It's something you always want to wear.  It may not be the flashiest thing in your closet, but you are happy to wear it.  It fits just right.  You can move freely when you wear it.  You feel confident in it.  It looks nice on you.  It's not usually the flashy dress up clothing that "WOW's" people for a couple hours but you are so uncomfortable you can't wait to get home to change.  It's something that fits YOU!  That's how my marriage is.  I love it!  It fits me.  I'm comfortable. I'm happy.  We aren't flashy, have a ton of money or live extravagantly, but we go together.  And that makes me smile and I do believe fall in love a little more.

Timeline Adjustment:
So, I found out that after our classes are complete we will have our "3rd" home visit.  The interviews were our second home visit.  After this home visit Jenn has 60 days to complete our Home Study which is an essay type account of our lives; we are looking at about the end of October, beginning of November.  Once she turns in the Home Study the court will read the account and then certify us to adopt.  This usually takes about six weeks.  So, naively I thought we would be in the registry when we were done with classes on August 28th, BUT we're looking more like the middle of December before we are placed on the Adoption Registry.

Frequently Asked Question: (maybe you've wondered this too) Are you working towards getting a specific child?
Answer: We are placed on the Adoption Registry and then when a child comes up for adoption if CPS feels we are a good match for the child our adoption specialist is asked to represent us at a Staffing.  Other adoption specialists are there representing their families and after each has presented, CPS chooses a family to receive the child.  We don't know who we are working towards, but we have confidence he/she will be the right one.

One last item: Jenn, our adoption specialist, informed me at the interview she has a 100% staffing to adoption placements.  Meaning: since May she has had 3 Staffings where she has represented families.  All three were picked as the family to adopt the child.  From her mouth she is VERY good in interviews and knows how to make the people like what she is presenting.  I'm so thankful we have an adoption specialist who is a go-getter.  She's not shy!

Interview Wednesday!

I am exhausted.

I (we) have finished (except for formatting and one little question for Josh) the 47 page Adoption Profile Addendum.  It's almost midnight.

I am very tired.

I know I can be a little dramatic when it comes to feeling sleepy, but there was a very good reason for getting the addendum done!

Our adoption specialist, Jenn, e-mailed today wanting to know if we could do our interviews this week.  In order to do the interviews, she needs to have the addendum done (can you say that 10 times, okay 5 times fast?).

Basically we had to give a TON of details about our lives.  Mainly about our relationship with our parents, with each other, how we view our parent's parenting and our personalities, etc.  I won't bore you to sleep with all the details, but I am extremely grateful to have the paperwork done.  And I am super excited for the interviews this next week.

ADDENDUM: Josh's interview is today at 4:30 and mine is Thursday at 1:30!!  We are both nervous and excited.  Each of our interviews will last about 2 hours.

Connections

What interesting connections Class 6 had!  As a teacher I love learning strategies that involve every student and also get the point across.  Whoever came up with this...it is good!  We all received 5 different squares of paper.  Earlier in class we made a list (that was written on the board) of connections we have...family, friends, pets, locations, music, etc.  On each square we had to write the 5 most important connections in our life.  Our instructors asked us to pick the one we could let go of first (if we had to) and hold it high in the air!  After all hands were raised REALLY high, we had to let it go!  Small colorful square pieces of paper floated to the floor.  And some right back on the table, so they had to be re-dropped.  The process continued until we were left with 2 connections.  And once again we had to choose.

What would be the ONE connection that above all else you would want to maintain?

For most of the class, family was the number one connection they would never want to give up.

As a side note "faith" & "family" were both Josh & I's last two squares.  We both chose faith.  I don't say this with a light or haughty attitude as most people would never consider choosing faith above family.  And even though it's easy to pick up a piece of paper saying we would choose faith over family, it's not that easy in real life.  No doubt there are family members reading this now who have experienced decisions I have made in my life that has put them in second place.  It's not a fun feeling for the decision maker or the recipient of that decision.  However, I fully believe that if we put faith above family, in the end we will get family too.  If we put family above faith, then all we have is family.  That was tough to write as I do hope that it offends no one and that it may help to heal any hurts caused over the years. I'm reminded by my grandparents that at Thanksgiving one year my "thankful" was "Thank God for family!"  And I am.  They mean a lot to me and make up so many of my favorite memories. My connections.

The point of the activity, as our instructors pointed out that the two connections that are left are usually family and faith, is that the most important connection we have (especially if we go with family) is the FIRST connection we have kids give up when they are taken from their home and placed in a foster home.  To put it bluntly, family is the last thing we would want to give up, but it's the first connection children have to give up when they are removed from their home.  WOW.

And then we talked about how we could ease children's minds to make them more comfortable by connecting to their other connections that make up their identity.  When we bring Baby O home we do not know how much he will remember, but if we found out his mom sang "You are my sunshine" to him every night before going to bed; what a lovely thing to continue that memory.  If Baby O always was given a pink balloon every time she went to the park on Saturday to let the balloon off, why not make that a part of our family tradition?

There was a wonderful example in our class of a couple where the husband grew up with authentic dinners from his family's home country.  These recipes were passed down from his grandmother.  His wife now has these recipes and will often make dinner using them.  Instead of him losing out on his heritage and food culture, his wife has not only allowed him to continue his connection, but strengthened and expanded it to include the whole family.

The last bit from the class I would like to share is the Triangle Family.  I told you this class had wonderful connections.  The triangle family, Tom (dad), Tammy (mom), Timmy (son) decided they wanted to add to their family.  The only child available was Sammy the Square.  They brought him into the family, but they wanted him to fit in.  Instead of cutting off Sammy the Square to make a triangle - he would lose part of himself - they instead formed a triangle inside Sammy.  And the three triangles added a bit to themselves to be surrounded by a square.  Yes, it's a bit of a silly story - but why not use Geometry to illustrate how children who have gone from life as they know it, can be included in the family's life, and how the family (all 4 in the "Triangle" family) can be strengthened and expanded by including some of Sammy the Squares connections as well.

Side note #2.  I am working on our Adoption Profile Addendum as we are supposed to have it finished by Class 8.  Right now the Addendum is 44 pages long.  Forty-four.  And that's with not even half of it filled out.  We have been told to be very thorough filling it out as the more we fill out the less time our interview will be and the better our home study will look.

Side note #3.  I found out that after we are done with these classes we still have to be certified by the court.  (sigh)  This process may take 2 weeks or 2 months.  So, please pray the judges in this area will not be on vacation, will be eager to get adoptive parents into the adoption registry and will be eager to process our paperwork.

Side note #4.  Josh asked about how many couples were in the adoption registry (this is for Maricopa County).  I was shocked at the number.  She had just asked that day, so she didn't have an exact number for us, but this is the information she gave us.  A year ago when she asked there were 120 families and AAFC made up about 1/4th of those families.  Today AAFC has around 25 families.  I thought there would be thousands.  I guess I was wrong.

Class Five

Okay, I so badly want to count the number of classes left - Class Six, Class Seven, Class Eight...on my fingers of course.  This gives you a little insight into one of Josh's pet peeves with this math teacher.  Why in the world would a math teacher be counting on her fingers?  Well, here's why.  If I know I have 12 classes left and this week is class 6, then math wise we can do 12 - 6, right?  That would mean we have 6 classes left.  Wrong!! We still need to attend Class Six, so really we have 7 classes left.  Because of this I always like to check on my fingers to make sure I have the correct number.  I do admit I HAVE developed the bad habit over the years to count hours or days on my fingers and so I am trying to overcome and not give in to my natural inclination to count how many classes we have left.  I'm not even counting fingers in my mind.  I'm simply trusting my brain that we have 7 classes left!  And yes, it is hard.  I feel like biting my fingernails!  Class Six, Class Seven, Class Eight...

Class Five was about discipline.

We are not allowed to punish foster children (no, we are still not planning to foster).

We are allowed to discipline children.

Punish means inflicting pain.  Discipline means to teach.

The one thing that keeps coming to mind when thinking about discipline and not being allowed to use spanking on foster children (whipping or throwing slippers) is that I have been a teacher for 13 years (yikes) and I have never had to spank one of my students.  I know there's a lot I could have done differently, been more encouraging, but I didn't have to take a one of them over my knee.  Ok, ok, so most of them are bigger than me, but the idea I'm trying to get at is I've had some practice in other methods to maintain order.  I'm not too worried about that.  What I AM concerned with is I have a desire to do more than maintain order in my house.  My desire is to raise (teach) children who will not just make good choices because I am standing over their shoulder, but because they have been taught to choose the good and want good for themselves.  That is the trick.  But I look at my parents; they were good.  I believe the biggest impact they had in my life is the good example they set in making good choices themselves. Hardworking: I don't remember as a child doing errands for my mother as she sat on the couch well-bodied.  Loving: I was always well cared for and never worried about my parents leaving me behind, not taking care of me, or disliking me (although I'm sure I tried their patience in that area).  Consistent: we didn't have a lot of rules, but we did know how to behave in public.  Godly: they were good because they had God in their heart. Plain and simple.  I guess when I look at that, it doesn't seem so overwhelming.  So out of reach.  So unattainable.

We received a really nice note from our adoption specialist.  We have a couple more weeks before we need to have our Adoption Addendum (a big packet of a lot of questions) into her and then we will have interviews.  I'm actually looking forward to this.  We each will spend about 2 hours with Jenn and she will get an in depth look into all the information they need to know.  Anyway, the note was commending our work in class.  Getting praise as the student helps me to see the necessity of it as a teacher, and a parent.

I'm starting to work on the nursery...pics to come soon! (That's my hook to keep you coming back. :) )

Poison & Paint!

These are some things you CANNOT have in unlocked conditions if you want to be certified to adopt.

So...you find some place that can be locked, or you buy something.  In our case, Lowe's so graciously sent some wonderful coupons and we had fun loading up a cabinet yesterday.

Josh, being influenced by another handy man in the class, went to work after dinner tonight to put together our lockable cabinet!  I was impressed.  And it looks really nice!

I will have to say, this looks a TON better than the other shelving we had it on; we got rid of a number of bottles that were useless (I'd had them since before Josh & I were married) AND it will help to keep the dust off a few things.

Oh yes, plus we get to be certified for adoption.

We still have a few other things to maneuver and complete in order for our house to be ready, but we are on our way!  And I do believe that was probably the biggest project.  If anyone has been in Phoenix lately, you can appreciate the sacrifice this was as it's not easy to work in a garage with the temperatures outside being 110 degrees!

But you know what...it's a must if we want to be certified to adopt! :)

One Third Certified

So...we had a week off! AND we are done with a third of our certification classes.  Meaning, we have attended 4 classes and have 8 more to go.  We have other work (packets, interviews, house preparation, CPR training) to complete, but I do believe it is encouraging to see how much progress has been made.

We had a very interesting class #4; bonding being the main topic.  But, before I get into our Imaginary Journey I'll tell you about some bonding we are doing with a couple classmates.  We have struck up a friendship with another couple in the class and found out they have the same adoption specialist as Josh and I.  Two weeks ago we had dinner with them before our class and got to know a little more about them.  For some reason, it's VERY exciting to me.  It's nice to be going on a journey and have another couple to share it with. I imagine in the coming months and years we will be a resource for and friendship to one another in the situations we will experience. In an e-mail I got right before the 4th of July, D___ said "Hope everyone has a happy Independence day!  Hopefully the last as 2-person households for M____ and Olmsteds.   ;)"  WOW!  I hadn't really been thinking about perhaps this time next year we would have a little one to comfort during the fireworks, wave flags & sparklers with, and dress in red, white & blue!  This thrills my heart.

This week as I shared with people the process we are going through I received some words of wisdom and encouragement.

We were able to talk with a couple who have grown children who were adopted at young ages.  The first was adopted when he was 21 months old and the bond formed with his birth mother caused a lot of anger in the small boy.  After he was adopted, this anger transferred to his adopted mother.  There was a lot of work on her part as she patiently dealt with his anger.  I appreciated this experience she shared as we don't know what we will be faced with.  I'm not expecting the worst case scenario, but neither am I expecting a bed of roses.  By her simply sharing, I believe it helped my mindset to be prepared for the fact we may have some difficult situations ahead.  I will also say I have a deep sense of peace that whatever we are faced with, we will have the grace to meet those challenges.  Somehow, it seems less scary.  Especially knowing that same boy is now a perfectly normal, respectful grown adult with a beautiful family.

Today as I was sharing the process with some co-workers, one told me about a friend of hers who went through the adoption classes and were expecting to wait awhile before a child would come to them.  Three weeks after completing the classes, they got a call!  Needless to say, they were a little shocked!  I love hearing those kind of stories.  I don't anticipate that happening, but it would be nice...

And now...back to the last class.  One of our instructors had us go on an imaginary journey as she read a scenario to us.  Some deep emotions were brought up in a few classmates because of past experiences, but there is one thought I would like to bring out here that I learned.  In this journey we imagined we were taken from our homes (as adults) and brought to a new family where I had a new husband and new children.  This is of course very strange to think about, but in this journey this new family was very happy to see me.  After a year of living in these circumstances without ever seeing my original family I was told I could go back to them.  Not for one second did I want to stay with the second family, even though they were kind to me (please remember this is imaginary).  I was very eager to get back to my original family and I wanted this other family to be understanding and supportive.  Even though we are not planning to be foster parents, this did give me a very real understanding of the feelings of children who have been taken from their home, placed with a family who is very happy to see them, and then reunified with their parents.  I think I naively believed foster children would be so happy to be with this wonderful new family they would never want to go back to their birth parents.  How wrong I was.  It was a sobering imaginary journey, but I'm glad for the lesson I learned.