When a child has been placed in foster care, severed from their parents and possibly placed in another adoptive home, they will have faced tremendous loss. Not necessarily the normal losses we have as we go through life, but losses that are unexpected and cause deep grief.
This basis was the framework for our third class. The job of an adoptive parent is to recognize the process of grief in a child's behavior and meet that child's needs with strengths that we as parents have. The tricky part is recognizing our strengths. To do this we recognized losses we have experienced and realized that as we have processed through the grief cycle we become an EXPERT for that loss. "For when I am weak, then am I strong." (2 Cor 12:10)
For example, at 12 years of age I moved from California to Kansas. I left most of my friends, my family and all I had known for 12 years - and believe me, it was a great childhood! I did not want to move. I thought this city girl would enter the land of farmers. I thought I would go to school with kids in overalls. Sorry fellow Kansans; I know it's not so now, but I was very anxious about the move. The feelings and emotions I went through (crying sometimes at night) were all part of dealing with my grief. In the end I loved living there and love going back to the place where many happy memories were made. And that is why I am an EXPERT for someone who has been removed from their home, away from family, friends and all they have ever known. I can connect with them, know the emotions they are feeling; I can understand the grief they are working through.
You may be wondering, at this point: what are they getting themselves into? Of course our ideal is to receive a baby who cannot remember the traumatic things that have happened in their life. (As a side note, the training we are receiving at this point is focused on foster care.) But the fact is, we don't know the specifics of where this journey is leading us. We don't know at this point what losses our Baby O will have experienced. Still our objective: add Baby O to our family. And so we become Loss Experts.
Our homework this week is to identify areas of loss and recognize if we have turned that loss into a strength or if we need to work through so it becomes a strength.
We are starting to enjoy the classes more. We are making friends and becoming more comfortable with our instructors. These too will be resources for Josh and I as we travel this journey.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Monday, June 17, 2013
I Don't Have Your Eyes
As my mother recently stated to me, this journey we are on is also awakening others. I never intended to do that, but my life's desire is that whatever happens in my life it can work for the good. And since the scripture says "all things work together for good..." I really shouldn't be surprised. But, I still am.
Above is a sweet book given to me by my friend/co-worker. The book is by Carrie A Kitze and illustrated by Rob Williams. The main thought of the book is that I (from a child's perspective) don't have your physical characteristics but I have your character. It will be so fun to read it to Baby O when he or she comes. I'm sure it will be a favorite!
I also had a sweet surprise in the mail the other day. I got it the day after our second class. "You're adopting!," proclaimed the front. The supporting card was from my dear, sweet parents. My mom went on a hunt and found a perfect card to share her excitement and joy.
Speaking of the second class, here goes. I wasn't feeling well (I have been sick with a cold for over a week now) and so I can't say that I retained everything. First, we were to share our stories of talking to someone about the classes. Being a summer school teacher mentor, I talked to the two summer school classes I am observing. When I asked the students if they knew of someone who was ever in foster care or who had been adopted to raise their hand I found close to half of the students had been exposed! I then asked them to share if they so desired. One sullen student bravely raised his hand and proceeded to give us his story of being adopted at 9, and his parents giving him an ugly English name (changing it from a beautiful Italian name). I do have to say when comparing the 2 names I'd want the Italian one too! Anyway, it was so neat of him to share his story and I hope it's helped him to make a connection at school. Plus, I had a cool story to share for class! After sharing we went into an alliance model of the connection between the different entities that surround the child who has been taken by CPS. Then we were given child scenarios (background & needs) and how we would meet the child's needs when he/she came into our home. This is mainly for foster children and perhaps adoptive parents of older children, but it was good to see where these kids are coming from. We went through probably about 15 of these scenarios and were pretty tired at the end. Thankfully they let us out about 5 minutes early.
Our assignment for next week is to discover strengths and needs we have as a family. Hmm...this should be interesting! We also have quite a bit of reading to do.
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| Book from Kate the Great! |
Above is a sweet book given to me by my friend/co-worker. The book is by Carrie A Kitze and illustrated by Rob Williams. The main thought of the book is that I (from a child's perspective) don't have your physical characteristics but I have your character. It will be so fun to read it to Baby O when he or she comes. I'm sure it will be a favorite!
I also had a sweet surprise in the mail the other day. I got it the day after our second class. "You're adopting!," proclaimed the front. The supporting card was from my dear, sweet parents. My mom went on a hunt and found a perfect card to share her excitement and joy.
 |
| Card from Mom & Dad |
Speaking of the second class, here goes. I wasn't feeling well (I have been sick with a cold for over a week now) and so I can't say that I retained everything. First, we were to share our stories of talking to someone about the classes. Being a summer school teacher mentor, I talked to the two summer school classes I am observing. When I asked the students if they knew of someone who was ever in foster care or who had been adopted to raise their hand I found close to half of the students had been exposed! I then asked them to share if they so desired. One sullen student bravely raised his hand and proceeded to give us his story of being adopted at 9, and his parents giving him an ugly English name (changing it from a beautiful Italian name). I do have to say when comparing the 2 names I'd want the Italian one too! Anyway, it was so neat of him to share his story and I hope it's helped him to make a connection at school. Plus, I had a cool story to share for class! After sharing we went into an alliance model of the connection between the different entities that surround the child who has been taken by CPS. Then we were given child scenarios (background & needs) and how we would meet the child's needs when he/she came into our home. This is mainly for foster children and perhaps adoptive parents of older children, but it was good to see where these kids are coming from. We went through probably about 15 of these scenarios and were pretty tired at the end. Thankfully they let us out about 5 minutes early.
Our assignment for next week is to discover strengths and needs we have as a family. Hmm...this should be interesting! We also have quite a bit of reading to do.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Couples with No Children + Dog(s)
So we attended our very first adoption certification training last night! June 5, 2013.
There was a mixture of people there: some wanting to foster children, some wanting only to adopt (like Josh & I), some who already had a grandchild with them (called kinship when the child is a relative) and a few people who were there to make up the class, so they won't be part of our normal group.
As I was going over the group in mind last night after we had left, I came up with a funny observation. Altogether there were probably about 6 or 7 couples who were married and didn't have any children. And wouldn't you know it...I think EVERY SINGLE COUPLE had at least one dog (some of them two). Hmmm. My conclusion is that we (along with these other couples) have a great capacity to nurture and love. Since we have not had children to pour this natural ability into we've simply had to have an outlet - hence a dog. :) Ok, some of you are probably gagging right now, but it sounded romantic and idealistic and like a plausible reason to me. After I shared with Josh he came up with a rule I'm sure even our government would agree to. "In order to adopt, you must have raised and properly trained a dog for at least 5 years!" Whew, I think we would pass. He was joking, of course, but it does sound like something being passed now days. I guess the cat people might be offended though....
I won't go into all of the particulars of the class, but one interesting exercise had the instructor showing us a cell phone picture of one of our classmate's children. The purpose of the exercise was for this woman to imagine that for some horrible reason her children were taken from her. What would she want to know about the people who would have her children? The bullet points we gave (health, beliefs, finances, etc.) were information we have to provide (over, and over, and over) for the training. We were instructed that the class, which is 36 hours, is another way for the agency to get to know us, and help us to address our strengths and our needs. This information helps birth parents to know their children will be placed in capable hands.
Next up...our homework assignment. Our assignment this week is to share with someone the journey we are starting on and their reaction to it. Don't get too excited - I HAVE completed my assignment and will be the next post you see...
There was a mixture of people there: some wanting to foster children, some wanting only to adopt (like Josh & I), some who already had a grandchild with them (called kinship when the child is a relative) and a few people who were there to make up the class, so they won't be part of our normal group.
As I was going over the group in mind last night after we had left, I came up with a funny observation. Altogether there were probably about 6 or 7 couples who were married and didn't have any children. And wouldn't you know it...I think EVERY SINGLE COUPLE had at least one dog (some of them two). Hmmm. My conclusion is that we (along with these other couples) have a great capacity to nurture and love. Since we have not had children to pour this natural ability into we've simply had to have an outlet - hence a dog. :) Ok, some of you are probably gagging right now, but it sounded romantic and idealistic and like a plausible reason to me. After I shared with Josh he came up with a rule I'm sure even our government would agree to. "In order to adopt, you must have raised and properly trained a dog for at least 5 years!" Whew, I think we would pass. He was joking, of course, but it does sound like something being passed now days. I guess the cat people might be offended though....
I won't go into all of the particulars of the class, but one interesting exercise had the instructor showing us a cell phone picture of one of our classmate's children. The purpose of the exercise was for this woman to imagine that for some horrible reason her children were taken from her. What would she want to know about the people who would have her children? The bullet points we gave (health, beliefs, finances, etc.) were information we have to provide (over, and over, and over) for the training. We were instructed that the class, which is 36 hours, is another way for the agency to get to know us, and help us to address our strengths and our needs. This information helps birth parents to know their children will be placed in capable hands.
Next up...our homework assignment. Our assignment this week is to share with someone the journey we are starting on and their reaction to it. Don't get too excited - I HAVE completed my assignment and will be the next post you see...
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